Communication skillsHowever implies a shift from the last paragraph, a contrast. I don?t thinkyou need it here. It?s a fresh idea, just ?I consider myself..? is fineCommunication skills are my strongest? rather than one of my best?word choice: jovial (enjoyable?)perhaps you ?subscribe to the clich?? rather than follow it?There?s a lot of listing of activities here, which might be made strongerby categorizing them further, or giving more description and context toone of them in order to illuminate its impact on your development.fourth paragraphdon?t sell the idea of your business short by linking it to lessprofessional ideas. Things like pocket money etc. have a different set ofconnotations than I think you want to portray. Present your business theway you want it to be perceived in the world. Maintain a strongprofessional tone and persona when you write about it, otherwise yourbusiness will be seen as more of a hobby?fifth paragraphMy dream contradicts with the thoughts of many youths ? this is awkwardand doesn?t quite make sense. Perhaps My dream contrasts with that of manyof my peers? or the youth of my generation?the youths sounds like it could be a gang! or a punk band, try to changethis?echoed by who? who echoed it? what were the significant times? or has thephrase been used directly? clarify?adhered to whose call? as an independent what? (artist/person?)word choice emanates (try comes from, is generated by?)things like ?hence? you don?t necessarily need, try omitting?sixth paragraphGuru? Or for your particular discipline, perhaps master is more appropriate?i feel like this is slightly the wrong way round ? perhaps ?To be aprofessional in the field of photography, one has to interact with themasters of it, and their work.? otherwise the professionals seem moreimportant than the masters?seventh paragraphThe society has it ? maybe just Society has it? how do you inheriteducation? or is it that the opportunity to puruse higher education is agreat gift?little siblings ? younger siblings, or just siblings is fine (more formal)So is this a scholarship application? you only establish an idea ofaudience right at the end now. Try to mention it earlier if this is youraim?!
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